6/13/2024

hi lol. making this whole thing to just say things without people knowing i guess. I havent been feeling all that well lately.
Life has been hard recently! but i say that all the time i think im having some kind of majoru identity crisis? or maybe "i should hide my identity" crisis? I guess? long story short i think i just really really hate myself. i hate the way that i talk, how everything makes me feel like the world is ending, i hate my posture and the way i look and how i present myself! I have such a hard time finding things about myself that i actually like. I annoy my friends so much and there are so many things wrong with the way that i am. it would be better if i just distanced myself from my friends forever but im so selfish that if im alone for too long i feel bad and why would i want to make myself feel even more bad.

It turns into this weird cycle where if im alone for too long to i start to overthink every single thing i said and the way i said them until i feel terrible and if i stay with friends i forget that but im still so stupidly aware of the way that i am that its exhausting.

If i could change everything about myself i would. I really hate how im into all these weird things and dont know how to stop talking about them but i cant give up on them cuz i love them so much! They affect every aspect of my life i love them so much! anyway ive been thinking abt changing my entire wardrobe because maybe thatll fix whatever is wrong with me. if ur sum1 i know and u find this by some miracle halloooo!

5/9/2025

hi long time no see its been a minute. its almost been an entire year! hey! whats up! im not here to report good news honestly.
jesus christ my coding skills are super rusty but whatevssss i like the blank look that this place has. ANYYYWAYYYY no more side tracking this entire semester has been fucking awful i just want it to be over. im kinda bribing myself into doing work by promising getting a piercing soon lmfao. needless to say i started self harming this semester and not in the "lol heres a wax burn!" way i mean in the real "oh im dripping blood down my shoulder." way.

its very much in the "oh thats gonna leave a scar" way.

ive been thinking that maybe this whole piercing thing is just a form of regulated self harm im finding myself not even scared of shit like christina or nipple piercings like bitch are you fucking crazy

this is probably one of those youngin phases im going through but honeslty im finding myself starting to rapid detriorate its hard for me on somedays to serouisly find any good single thing thats happened that day. Im grasping at fucking straws here man. i feel stupid in everything i fucking do. is there anything good to me? i can barely pick up the phone for my mom to jsut straight up lie to her and tell her how good im doing! my grades are passing! im good at job, yk the same job that doesnt make me wanna rub my corneas off sometimes. i have moments of pure emptiness and then pure anger and i just cycle. and cycle. and cycle. its exhasuting. a few weeks ago, probably months now, i was drinking with samuel and he felt scabs growing over my cuts on my shoulder when we were drunk and like. why did i do that? i dont really remember if i did it on purpose or not i was pretty drunk. then a few weeks ago i was drinking with joy and kayneti and lorene and i told them that before they got into my apartment i "need to dispose of evidence" and that ofc made them curious lol

well. they started guessing and i had to pretend like i lowkey wasnt freaking out and when kayneti guessing razor correctly and it made them uncomfterable what the fuck is wrong with me. im not sure anymore maybe they were cries for help or maybe i really do just do it for the attention. its been really really hard lately. i dont know how to control myself lately and i jsut really want to be put out of my misery.

they moved on from it pretty quickly thank fully but maybe not so much. im scared i just want help or a friend to tell me itll be okay or maybe that they care and they moved on and neither of them have asked me about either so hahaha monica joking about dying that was weird but we can move on ya know! monica jokes lalala hahaha i dont know if any of my friends here know this but i have no friends back at home. joy has her highschool amd middle school friends, kayneti has randy, samuel has matthew and travis, trevor has his friends from highschool (i rmbr once he showed me freshmen year they had a get together on a trampoline) but i dont have a disticntion from "home" friends and "college" friends i just have friends. which are the friends i have here. i dont have that distinction and it kinda hurts i guess. I just get so disgustingly jealous sometimes and then i feel shame. another thing that makes me not only unlikable but bad. is there something wrong me? is that it? god im fucking pathetic. the only person i considered an extremely close friend went and ditched me for her boyfriend. am i just that replacable? how do i fix it? i dont know

also found out joy is talking to people and that pissed me the fuck off but im not gonna talk abt that here bcuz im a delusional loser and id prefer not to sound more crazy that i already am. welp. im failing at fucking everything including one of my classes! talk about useless thats the whole reason im here and i cant even do that much right! im being given this opportunity and im pissing it away my grandma died and gave me this gift for fucking nothing bcuz im an irredeemable piece of fucking shit !11!!!1 i literally fucking hurt her and im still pissing away the gifts shes granted me bcuz om horrible. i shouldve never been born, this version of me. god just fucking shoot me somebody plea se

welp. back to the grind gonna go do some more work before i have to go to work at 2pm today. i wanna atleast get some sleep in. good night? good morning? i saw the sun rise from the library windows.

growing pains amirite?

5/14/25

sometimes i feel like im just one really large car crash on the interstate. theres blood on the road and all of my things are strewn across the pavement. then there i am with my entrails falling out of my body and im holding them with one hand and with the other im trying to limply lean over and pick my mess up. theres cars backed up watching me and some are people i know looking on as i try to piece myself back and everyone else are just strangers honking their horns at me to get out of the way.